ThirdWorldTV of Black Daisystan proudly presents …

“The Awards for Respected Successful Enharmonic Contribution”

(“The A.R.S.E Contribution” when shortening is needed)

Over the next 5 days ThirdWorldTV will reveal the nominees in the 5 categories below, one by one, with the winners being announced after all the nominees are revealed.

The categories are:

1: The Flopstar of the year award.
2: The Guilty Pleasure of the year award.
3: The Most likely to be a future Sugababe award.
4: The Popstar most likely to win the 2010 election.
5: The Black Daisystan prestigious award for the significant contribution to the degradation of Society within the last year.

So to get things rolling (as of Monday):

The Flopstar of the year award

Every year the much-awaited release of an artist fails epically and for some reason nobody knows why. Fans spend many sleepless nights crying and wondering ”Where did it all go wrong?”, despite the fact most of them never actually downloaded it legally. Whether it be through the cruel nature of Radio 1, the awfulness of the song or reasons unknown to the human race, these songs truly screwed up and earned their nomination in the ”Flopstar of the year award”.


1: Agnes – “I need you now” : It was gonna happen. Despite the Euro fans wet dreams coming true and ”Release me” reaching the top 5 of the charts, I need you now was doomed to failure. Aside from the fact the song was naff, it’s worth pointing out how the video being truly awful, and it being dropped from the Radio 1 playlist immediately after release, may have something to do with the ultimate failure of this song. Fortunately it did make the top 40, but unfortunately it didn’t make the top 39. So given that Agnes was dubbed as Sweden’s answer to Leona Lewis (definitely nothing to do with her appearance or anything), and an international superstar, ”I need you now” has earned her this nomination as a Flopstar of the year.


2: Adam Lambert – ”For your entertainment” : Despite basically winning American Idol (Well he came 2nd but quite frankly should have won), and having a hugely successful album, Adam Lambert’s first single performed … well … shit. Maybe it was to do with the incredibly Rubbishgai (© Sheep expression) CD cover, or maybe to do with the fact he simulated oral sex on TV, (thus angering thousands of middle class American’s who live in the suburbs with 2.4 children and a pet dog named “Lucky”), who knows? But what I do know is that even though Patte liked it, it was a mega flop, and firmly deserves its place in this category.


3: Jade Ewen – ”My Man”: Well it was inevitable. This category would not be complete without the Flopstar of Flopstar’s, our very own Jade Ewen. Despite achieving every Flopstar’s dream of not finishing last at Eurovision, Jade’s second single was doomed from the start. Despite the fact Euro fans predicted she would be the next Beyoncé (how dare they), they could not have been more wrong. Even with support from the nation’s 134th favourite radio station, Southern Counties Radio, there was nothing that could be done. Radio 1 left Jade out in the cold and firmly locked the door, and as each Wednesday went by ”My Man” failed to appear on their coveted playlists anywhere. Basically, Radio 1 killed Jade.

The Guilty Pleasure award

This award was invented to recognise those songs, which everybody has on their iPods, but are thoroughly ashamed to admit it. I know for certain that my iPod is full of crap like this, so there were absolutely no problems choosing the nominees for this category. This award truly rewards the cheesy, the embarrassing, and truly shite songs, which frankly, deserve more recognition. So I give you, the Guilty Pleasure award!


1: Cheryl Cole – ”Fight For This Love” : Despite the fact this song is clearly a load of bollocks, people, and a lot of people at that, seem to like it. Being basically the most sold song of the year, it seems this song eventually works its evil ways into the brains of those previously unpolluted with Cheryl, comme moi. When this song was initially leaked, I thought it was awful, and in fact I still do, however I can’t help but enjoy listening to it, so much so that I now have it on my iPod. The shame. As indeed I suspect this is the case with many people, this song is very much so a guilty pleasure*, and firmly deserves its place in this category.

*Maybe more guilt and less pleasure would be more appropriate.


2: Sugababes – ”About a girl” : The total lack of any logical coherence in the video, the complete ridiculousness of the dance routine (See: Butt-pat) or maybe it’s the fantastic ”Let’s have a party y’all” repeated indefinitely throughout the song which make this song the most shamelessly average pop song to be released since the last Sugababes’ song. Either way despite the total uncoolness of the song, being sung by the Sugababes and all, everybody has a soft spot for it. Whilst that bitch Jade totally stole Keisha’s place (/sarcasm), this song is still positively amazing, and is definitely a Guilty Pleasure


3: Miley Cyrus – ”Party In the U.S.A” : Apparently all she sees is stilettos, I guess she never got the memo, poor Miley, her stiletto-lacking life is so challenging. Despite the fact when I first heard this song I wanted to hit something, nowadays it makes me want to get off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan, I truly want to Party in the U.S.A, as does everybody else everywhere it seems. Given that this song was a hit in basically every country conceivable (apart from Moldova cos nothing really happens there), it seems that on the whole this song is liked. However why does everybody think it’s just so shit? The simple answer is that it is a Guilty Pleasure, and secretly we all love it, we just don’t know it yet.

LOL. I wish I had a guilty pleasure Hmm, maybe I have one after all .... "On again, off again"

The Most likely to be a future Sugababe award

637,261 members later, the Sugababes are an entirely different band to the innocent group of teenagers they started off as. With no original members left, and no doubt needing a replacement within the next 38 hours, it is essential that we evaluate potential replacements and decide upon the Most likely to be a future Sugababe, of the year award.


1: Lorraine Kelly : Known globally for her provocative image and saucy dance moves, this daytime TV minx would truly set the Sugababes on fire. It is a well-known fact that every girl group needs a 40-Something mother from Scotland, and if Stewart Aitken isn’t available, Lorraine Kelly is the next best thing.


2: Jade Ewen : I know what you’re thinking : ”What is this shit? Jade Ewen is already in the Sugababes. I hate the Sugababes anyway. I hate you. I hate my life.”, however hear my reasoning. Given that inevitably every girl band member leaves and tries to start, and without fail, fails. Therefore with the equation: Failing girl band + Previous mild solo experience = Destined for a 2nd shot at being famous. As a result of trying to restart her solo career, Jade Ewen will once again get rejected be Radio 1, storm into the charts at No.35, only to drop out the following week, get pregnant, halt career to “focus on family issues”, inevitably give birth, decide to return back to music again, fail, reform the Sugababes V4.0 (by this point they’re on V16.8, and even immortal Heidi is gone by this point), and thus will be a future Sugababe.


3: Gok Wan : Every girl group needs a queen, and let’s be honest, it would be very very awesome.

The Popstar most likely to win the 2010 General Election

Unfortunately whilst the rest of the country may have accepted that those arseholes, the Conservatives are gonna win the next election, I have not. In fact by doing vast and extensive research, I have reached at the balanced conclusion that it is extremely likely that one of the nation’s favourite popstars could indeed win the next election. This idea leaves me thoroughly wet with excitement and thus I feel it is necessary to dedicate an entire award to this subject. That’s right, this is totally serious.


1: Lady Gaga – Given that she’s basically already achieved world domination, it is debatable as to whether Lady Gaga is in fact the un-elected queen du monde. However whilst this is a talking point, to become the true leader of our insignificant island nation, she has to win the 2010 general election first. Well known for her ability to go bluffin’ with her muffin’, this disco-queen would no doubt win over the electorate with some killer dance moves and upcoming X Factor, which will no doubt guarantee a No.1 hit at the top of the Downing Street top 40. Basically if you have any sense at all, you would vote for THE GA (/dramatic music)


2: Lady Gaga – Quite frankly the chances of any popstars getting more votes than Gaga are pretty slim. Even Cheryl Cole, whom the nation seems way too obsessed with to warrant sanity couldn’t beat Gaga. So to be honest she deserves to be nominated at least twice.


3: Lady Gaga – Quite frankly this third nomination does not require an explanation. Thank you.

The Black Daisystan prestigious award for the significant contribution to the degradation of Society within the last year.

This final award recognises those songs, which from the past year, have broken boundaries in terms of Chaviness, Cheapness and ability to be heard on a street corner somewhere in Crawley. In the name of teenage mothers, underage drinkers and crack addicts everywhere, I give you the nominees for the “Contribution to the degredation of Society within the last year”.


1: Ke$ha – “Tik Tok” : Bad grammar aside, I am not a fan of Ke$ha. Rumour has it that she wakes up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy, and brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack, and neither of these things are particularly healthy. An essential on the stolen iPod’s of Chardonnay’s, Courtney’s and Shannon’s up and down the country, this song encourages its listeners to “Try and get a little bit tipsy” and “Kick them to the kerb unless they look like Mick Jagger”, which by anybody’s standards is downright anti-social, and most definitely ASBO-worthy. Well done Ke$ha.


2: Sugababes – “Get Sexy” : A song that can be heard blaring out of every council estate up and down the country, this truly awful remake of an 80’s classic is about as much of an excuse for a song as you can get. Unfortunately it marked the end of the Sugababes’ clean and innocent image, and replaced it with one of a truly desperate group of people who could barely stay in the same room together. Coincidentally it marked the end of the Sugababes in altogether, but that’s another story and for brain dead Youtube users to fight endlessly over …. although if we must go there, Team Jade ftw ofcourse. Thus I can safely say, this song has done significant damage to the IQ of the nation, and for that reason, is nominated in this category.


3: Cascada – “Evacuate the Dancefloor” : Whilst I imagine evacuating the dancefloor is absolute chaos at the best of times, somehow somebody somewhere managed to write an entire song about it. The combination of totally unrealistic lyrics, (“Stop this beat is killing me” = Frankly Cascada you need to man up.) a godawful rap interlude and the fact that it’s the most blatant rip off of the Ga’s “Just Dance” make this song an absolute essential on this list. When played with huge bass this song can truly piss off the neighbours, making it the unofficial national anthem of council estates across the country, and for that reason, this song has definitely helped to degrade society within the last year.

NOTE: The winners shall be revealed at some point over the weekend.

This thread is all kinds of amazing.

However, I am supremely disappointed that noted trash-anthem "Boom Boom Pow" did not feature in the last award's nomination list.

THE RESULTS

Well first of all, congratulations to all the nominees and all that crap. Here are the results of the one and only A.R.S.E Contribution awards!

1: Flopstar of the year award
Well it is quite clear the award couldn’t go to anybody else. This popstar was predicted to do great things, unfortunately she didn’t, but she did join the Sugababes! JADE EWEN is our flopstar of the year!


2: Guilty Pleasure of the year
Well once again this award really couldn’t go to any other nominee. This song has become almost legendary in status in the chat (not quite as legendary as Get Sexy though), and is quite obviously ”About a girl” by the SUGABABES. Let’s have a party y’all!


3: Most likely to be a future Sugababe award
This was a very difficult award to decide. The standard was very high and there was very little between all of the contestants. However after a good 24 seconds of deliberation, it has been decided that our future Sugababe will be LORRAINE KELLY.

(I hope this picture does as much for you as it does for me)

4: Popstar most likely to win the 2010 general election
Again the top 3 nominees were of very close calibre, in fact they were all exactly the same, so as you can imagine this was a very difficult award to decide. However a decision was reached, and in a surprise move, the winner of this award is LADY GAGA


5:The Black Daisystan prestigious award for the significant contribution to the degradation of Society within the last year.
Well the award basically goes to the most unbelievably chavvy song nominated. Ofcourse there was only really one possible winner. Whilst Ke$ha probably significantly raised the numbers of stabbings this year, and Cascada no doubt increased the use of ASBO’s by 200%, the award could go to no other song but ”Get Sexy” by the SUGABABES”


And to round this off, I shall leave you with a Michelle McManus-Aitken to enjoy.


Stunning.

I know the award show has finished but I hope we can still comment on the winners?

Stew, you never said you were married! Congratulations buddy, when is the baby due? Must be a least triplets?!

God, I love me a fat joke.

Ofcourse. And ofcourse you're also allowed to comment on the divine beauty of Michelle McManus(-Aitken?).

I am clearly not related to that obese riot. Ew.