adamacs

To begin, I'm a female BDSM practitioner. I enjoy it, and I won't apologise. My husband often cuffs and whips me, and earlier tonight (Friday) we had a pretty hardcore session. He put these big leather cuffs on me, but failed to take off my Apple Watch. I didn't realise that if you hold the dial down, it automatically dials 999.

So we get into it, and he's spanking me and I'm pulling on my restraints, and the restraints hold down the button. He's smacking me pretty good, and suddenly I hear from my watch "Madam, I hear what appears to be hitting and screaming. We are sending someone to you. Hold tight."

"Did you call the police???" ONZ bellowed, "Fucking well tell them it was an accident!!"

So I told the operator that it was just an accident, and she asked "is your name Janet?" And I said yes... And she replied, "we have your address from our database, and we're sending someone over to 9 Haybarn Drive now. I'm sorry, but we hear a male voice telling you what to say, and this sounds like coercion on our end, so it is our duty to make sure you're safe."

I said okay thank you, and I hung up. "Oh bummerama. The police are coming."

Well FUCK. I'm literally covered in bruises and welts and the police are coming to check on my wellbeing! Within a few minutes there's a stern knock at the door. We put our clothes on and come to the door, and the police take my beloved Onslow outside, separating us from communication. I calmly explain that it was an accident and we were just having really crazy sex. I didn't mention the spanking.

Apparently my husband did. Another police officer came in and asked about our BDSM contract. "He told you about our contract?"

"He felt it best to come clean about your extracurricular activities tonight, and thought the contract would possibly show your state of mind."

I fetched our contract and showed it to the officers. After a mortifying few more minutes explaining that he was only smacking my arse and thighs, they believed us and told us to disable the emergency feature on the Apple Watch if we're going to do that again.

Well there we are then.

Janet.

It has got to be said..... my local bus service is absolutely diabolical! I have a doctors appointment today at 4.20pm so I checked online to see what time the bus was coming (this was at 3.10pm) and it said that there was one in 27 minutes and one in 54 minutes. I thought ‘oooh eck. I’d better get the one in 27 minutes otherwise I might miss my appointment’ and off I went to the bus stop opposite the leisure centre. When I got to the bus stop, there was 11 minutes to wait. Not a problem at all, I was just going to happily listen to some PFS tunes on my phone. About 10 minutes later, I went on the website to see how long the bus was going to be and it had completely disappeared from sight. It was just telling me the next bus was 32 minutes away. Obviously, this irked me slightly! I waited and waited for what seemed like ages (in reality it was about 15 more minutes) and then I saw the bus come round the corner.... only to drive straight past me and the other people at the bus stop!! I have now had to power walk to the doctors in order to make my appointment, which, with a chest infection, is not the most ideal thing to do! I’m a regular bus user. I use the bus services about 3/4 times a week. When I get the bus at 8am, there isn’t really a problem (although I did have one a couple of months ago which I’ll go in to in a second) but when I get the bus back after work, you can guarantee that it’s anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes late. On a couple of occasions, it hasn’t even turned up!

Now to the problem I had a couple of months ago. I never had any intention of mentioning this to anyone but I’m now in a mood so I will bring it up. I was on the 8am bus so that I could take K with me to do a bit of shopping before I went to work. When we got off, the driver hadn’t lowered the bus and my polka dot shopping trolley got stuck between the wheel and the kerb. I literally had to prise the wheel out and K was very distressed. This caused the wheel to buckle and I have had to fork out £22.99 to buy a new trolley! I now have to ask the drivers to lower the bus so that we can get off without breaking another one. Although, saying that, the drivers have now got used to me asking and seem to be lowering it before I can mention it.

Overall, my experience in the last few months has been less than satisfactory and I am now on my high horse about it all so feel I should mention it to you as you are my confidant in such matters.

I knew that I had left a skiddie in my pants as I curved out a stinkfart. I then asked Onz to check under the covers to see whether there was a spider. He was immediately overcome by the repugnant gas that was down there and, try as he might, he couldn't fight as my hands held his head in place. When he came up eventually, he remarked that he felt nauseous and that I had indeed shit my pants in the process.

Well, stripes are out.

This morning just after I heard the post come through the letter box, I heard what sounded like a hose running outside my door. I went to have a look, and when I opened the front door the postman was still there, but started walking away immediately. This was 30-60 seconds after the post had landed on the mat, so usually a postman would be long gone by then. There was a wet patch on the wall right next to my front door, and a puddle on the floor. I'm certain he had been relieving himself on my wall! Should I complain? I don't want the guy to get in trouble if it was a one off emergency, and I understand that there are no public toilets in the area (not that I'd ever lower myself to use one). On the other hand, he could have knocked and asked to use one of my several toilets. Or if he was too embarrassed to do that, he could have used the hedge opposite, not the wall next to my front door!

I'm currently in dispute with Argos Card Services. When you receive a monthly statement from them, the only payment methods offered are direct debit, cheque or direct bill payment via online banking.

Now, none of these payments were suitable for me, except for paying by cheque. I don't like direct debits as your bank slaps a big fee on you if the money isn't in your account. All my money is tied up in my four kitchens, premium bonds and offshore accounts (for tax evasion purposes, you understand), so I don't have any money in a bank account that can be linked to a direct debit. Moreover, I don't know how to use my bank's online bill paying service, and I am rather distrusting of online banking in general anyway. So I pay by cheque.

On the month before last, I ran out of cheques. Foolishly, I forgot to ring Argos to let them know. My mistake, I grant you. BUT my debt was only for about £13, and Argos Card Services have slapped a £12 late payment fee on my account! Naturally that annoyed me. But what has annoyed me even more is that now I am in debt, it turns out that the company can take payment by debit card over the phone! If you ring their debt collection line you can pay using a debit card on an automated touch tone system. This phone line is not advertised or mentioned anywhere on the Argos Card Services website, or the monthly statement.

I complained about this to one of the many agents who have phoned me demanding payment. One offered to forward my complaint to a manager who would investigate my concerns, but no manager has contacted me; it's just a load of agents hooked up to a bloody autodialler. They usually ring me every 9am in the morning on Saturday and Sunday, disturbing my sexy time with my husband.

I've now been hit with a further £12 of fees, making £24 in total for a £13 debt. I've just made a payment of £13.67 to cover the interest charges for the last two months and clears the original debt, but there's no way I'm paying the £24 late fees. What should I do? I only bought a battery charger for my vibrator and an electric pubic hair trimmer.

Look what just came out the other day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Xkuw4oyOQY

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Whit lurks in yer belly after a feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yir kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind

The neeps, the tatties, the mushy peas
Stert working like the gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin awe oer the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
Abody’s gonna hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
Its oot like a bullet fae a rifle

Haw dyer erse tight to the chair
Tae try and stifle leakin air
Shift yersel fae cheek to cheek
Pray tae God it disnae reek

But awe yer efforts go asunder
An oot it comes like a clap o thunder
It ricochets aroon the room
Michty me it’s a sonic boom

God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a hivnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog al hae tae scurry
Ah whit the hell its no ma worry

Abody roon aboot me choking
Wanur two are nearly boakin
Al feel better fur a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis her! A shout wi an accusing glower
Alas too late, she’s just cowped ower
Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stere
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e’re ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds jist the job fur a lass like me
Whita fuss at Dennis’s perty
Ower the sake o’ wan wee ferty

Nicola Sturgeon speaking in Brussels next week (2 June) about Scotland's commitment to Europe. I'll be there ofc.

A couple of years ago my sister Lynda bought me a manicure and pedicure for my birthday, which was nice (and I was only thinking either this morning or yesterday morning that a manicure would be nice atm) and when we went to Budapest, the morning at the spa was probably the best bit, until ONZ had to spoil it with his silly behaviour. We had a lovely time. It was quite cold and the thermal pools are outside but they are so warm, it is lovely. There were 3 pools I think and inside there were saunas and different pools which were supposed to have healing water, with different minerals. Then we were supposed to have a massage at the end but we were in the wrong place and the manager was very nice and said it wasn’t a problem and she would sort it out but he went totally apeshit and got really angry (not shouting angry, sort of talking quietly under his breath angry) and it was horrible and I was crying and he was saying, We’ll just leave… this is so embarrassing… let’s just go… And she was saying, No it’s fine, it’s not a problem… But it was horrible. And then he carried this mood on for the next 7 hours.

Hope it all went horribly today, that you are in great pain and well on the way to permanent disability :)

HFC BAS <<